Where to even start.
Two weeks ago Jenny and I decided that we should go out on dates more, so we made an official "Date night" every wednesday. Nothing crazy or elaborate though. We put a limit of 50 bucks on the total amount the date should cost, and we made rules that it couldnt be anything that we normally do anyway like shooting, golfing, going to the movies, dinner at the usual places, etc.
Sounds pretty banal and simple right?
The first date was my turn, and I picked the santa monica pier. I was pretty scientific about my choice too; I knew they would have a time crisis machine in the arcade, which is jennys favorite arcade game, and I knew they had cheap little bullshit games of "skill" that we could have fun at. What I forgot to take into account was the fact that the santa monica pier is actually REALLY fucking weird. From the creepy guy with the high-pitched voice and a mullet working the ferris wheel, to the girl who took 10 minutes to make an iced coffee, (which she fucked up), to the ultra-ridiculous hip hop shit that was blaring out of the speakers, to the strange sense that you get just being there that you're moments away from getting knifed. Thrilling indeed!
I won't go into the gory details, but we both agree'd that it was a fun first date in the sense that it would have been the most awkward and uncomfortable one if it actually WERE our first date.
So last night was Jenny's turn and she found a burlesque show they're doing at the queen mary, in a place called "Vamp the lounge."
Or "Vamp: The Lounge", or "Vamp, The Lounge".
I really have no idea how punctuation works in that name.
Anyway, we both thought it was a pretty good idea being that it's something neither of us have seen, and we're both down to spend a classy night getting drunk and watching girls dance around in their skivvies. So after getting there and an exhaustive walk all over the ship trying to find out where "Vamp......The Lounge
" was, we paid our money and entered the room.........
....Full of about 10 people. I'll describe the crowd so you can get a full appreciation of how bad it truly was.
A group of about 3 married couples sitting at center stage who were staying in the hotel on vacation from bakersfield and looked like they'd be more at home marveling at the cleverness of the "I'd rather be golfing!" license plate frames in the gift shop than watching a bunch of girls young enough to be their daughters flashing them the "junk" in their "trunk".
3 guys to the left of the stage in their late 30's to mid 40's who looked like they were trying to have a WILD and CRAZY night out on the town like they did in the 80's, but just looked really sad and pathetic. They probably would have been more at home in the gift shop with the aformentioned crew or at the spearamint rhino where they could just break out the dollar bills and softly cry into their drinks like the men they are. The "polo shirt tucked into khaki shorts" look didn't really help much either.
Jenny and I on the right hand side of the stage.
The strip club DJ who was spinning the records. You know the type, really sinusy voice and typical phrasing of words. "GIVE IT UP FOR THE BEAUTIFUL LADIES! THEY WORK HARD!" etc.
Oh, and there was one elderly couple situated in a booth in the back. Not much to say about them other than the fact that we're pretty sure the lady was getting fingered.
Now that I've explained the amazingly awakward and tiny crowd, also take into consideration that there really isnt a stage. Just a section of floor that's made of hardwood flooring and has some lights around it. With a packed house and more appropriate guests, I'm sure the place has a very intimate feel to it, but with the crowd that was there last night it felt about as intimate as someone watching you take a dump.
So the show starts and Jenny and I are really clapping and trying to be supportive because the girls are really working it and doing their best despite the horrendous crowd. Meanwhile the married couples are split. The women are clearly horrified and are only beginning to realize what they've gotten themselves into, whereas the men are sporting wood from the lower buttcheek they're getting to see, which I'm sure was only making the wives even more uncomfortable. Sure enough they left after about 10 or 15 minutes.
At that point, the guys sitting on the left hand side moved to the center next to us and one of them made some comment that we should really "give it up for the girls" or some shit. A sentiment we completely agreed with, albeit for different reasons. We had no delusions of fucking them in their dressing room afterward.
For the rest of the night, that guy was absolutely engaged with the show. The guy sitting next to him just looked bored, and the third guy (who looked like he should have been cast in the movie "Sexy Beast"
) actually got so drunk he passed out
. Which brought the "Is this dude SLEEPING?!" comment from one of the girls.
So in conclusion, we've decided that date night should forever be a contest to see how bad a date we can actually make it. I'm going to have a hard time beating last night, but lordy I'm gonna try. (PM me with ideas if you have any!). And if you want an incredible people watching experience, I highly reccomend the burlesque show at VAMP!